Saturday

Flash: 9 steps to Heaven

Another writers gathering, another flash fiction. Thema : self-help.

Looks like I didn't start this decade the most glamorous way.

Sorry, and happy new year still.


SM

---

9 steps to Heaven

2 - If you’re reading this you’ve already fulfilled task #1, to wit opening the box. Now stop congratulating yourself and advance to #3. Do not pass go, do not collect $ 200.

3 – Before going any further, we want to thank you for shopping with us. Should anything go wrong, Ayatollahmazon.com, Inc. and its affiliates would decline all responsibility and liability for any damage not caused by this bomb, or God forbid, for any unplanned damage. You want to be extra careful with this loaf : it looks and feels like Play Doh, but up to a certain point only.

4 - Check the contents with the list below. Yes, the book is a Bible and not a Qur’an but we ran out of supplies and got good prices from our White Supremacists partners. Anyway, you must already have one and furthermore, OUR agenda is political and has nothing to do with religion.

5 – Now insert the green wire into the Play Doh and connect the other end with the “plus” slot.

6 – Set “A” on “1” and switch toggle to “power on”.

7 - Ah ah gotcha. That was only a slight 20 volt shock to let you know what to expect in case of major f..k-ups. This stuff needs at least 200 volts to detonate, but when you shave your beard on that glorious day, please opt for a manual razor. And if, before attacking #7, you need to use the bathroom to clean the mess you’ve just made, be our guest.

8 – If you haven’t switched toggle back to “power off” yet, do so… unless you’re using the device as a vibrator right now, in which case you’re f..ked-up enough to go all the way and that’s precisely the reason why you’ve been recruited so be our guest. BTW don’t count on the 72 virgins in Heaven : a marketing gimmick from our HR department (these guys are pretty good at twisting facts and distorting Holy Scriptures).

9 – Unplug the whole shebang, put your hands up and smile. You’re being videotaped and FBI stewards will soon escort you to the Gitmo Club Med. Be our guest.

Stephane MOT 20100102

Flash fiction : Santa Miranda Rights

- "Don't play smart with me. It's already been a long bad night and I don't want to put a third person in jail on Christmas eve. Papers, please."
- "Told you : don't have any. And it's already been a long night for me too... but believe me, it's gonna be a really bad one if you put Santa Claus in jail."
- "Still sticking to that lame tune ? Sorry to tell you this but you don't exactly look like Santa to me... Jose Canseco, maybe ?"
- "What did you expect in Southern California ? An all whitechristmassy, Caucasian, Coca Cola Santa with a thick red coat and a huge beard ? And under the hood, Rudy the red-nosed plug ? Ho Ho Ho !"
- "Now that you mention it, I'd like to have a peek there as well : your semi made my radar-gun sing the heck of a Christmas carol."
- "You'd better check the trailer. I'm sure your smuggler friends would love to ride this beauty : it's bottomless and even if you run like Usain Bolt you ain't gonna reach the end of it before the end of next year. Now if you please, I gotta go."
- "No way Jose. Put both hands on your truck, if you please".
- "That would be a mistake. I've got something for you, you know ? Shouldn't tell you but there's a brand new lawnmower waiting for you at home."
- "Nice guess. And where would that be, Dear Santa ?"
- "1200 Orange Crescent, El Cajon. It ain't the model you asked cause you've been a naughty boy but there's a nice tag on it. It reads 'Edward Fink Jr' ".
- "I'll be damned..."
- "Nope. I will be if you don't help me get to Escondido by the end of next minute."

Stephane MOT 20091226 - also on blogules
Copyright Stephane MOT 2003-2023 Welcome to my personal portal : blogules - blogules (VF) - mot-bile - footlog - Seoul Village - footlog archives - blogules archives - blogules archives (VF) - dragedies - Citizen Came - Stephanemot.com Copyright Stephane MOT