Flash: 9 steps to Heaven

Another writers gathering, another flash fiction. Thema : self-help.

Looks like I didn't start this decade the most glamorous way.

Sorry, and happy new year still.


SM

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9 steps to Heaven

2 - If you’re reading this you’ve already fulfilled task #1, to wit opening the box. Now stop congratulating yourself and advance to #3. Do not pass go, do not collect $ 200.

3 – Before going any further, we want to thank you for shopping with us. Should anything go wrong, Ayatollahmazon.com, Inc. and its affiliates would decline all responsibility and liability for any damage not caused by this bomb, or God forbid, for any unplanned damage. You want to be extra careful with this loaf : it looks and feels like Play Doh, but up to a certain point only.

4 - Check the contents with the list below. Yes, the book is a Bible and not a Qur’an but we ran out of supplies and got good prices from our White Supremacists partners. Anyway, you must already have one and furthermore, OUR agenda is political and has nothing to do with religion.

5 – Now insert the green wire into the Play Doh and connect the other end with the “plus” slot.

6 – Set “A” on “1” and switch toggle to “power on”.

7 - Ah ah gotcha. That was only a slight 20 volt shock to let you know what to expect in case of major f..k-ups. This stuff needs at least 200 volts to detonate, but when you shave your beard on that glorious day, please opt for a manual razor. And if, before attacking #7, you need to use the bathroom to clean the mess you’ve just made, be our guest.

8 – If you haven’t switched toggle back to “power off” yet, do so… unless you’re using the device as a vibrator right now, in which case you’re f..ked-up enough to go all the way and that’s precisely the reason why you’ve been recruited so be our guest. BTW don’t count on the 72 virgins in Heaven : a marketing gimmick from our HR department (these guys are pretty good at twisting facts and distorting Holy Scriptures).

9 – Unplug the whole shebang, put your hands up and smile. You’re being videotaped and FBI stewards will soon escort you to the Gitmo Club Med. Be our guest.

Stephane MOT 20100102